My Journey

 

My Journey

By Teak Kilmer

Sometime in 2009

 

 

 

“Release all that is unlike Love.”

 “Big talker”, I tell her

 “But what better do you have to do with your life?”

 I notice I cannot call up better

 “Fall in love with healing; fall in love with beauty

Do the next right thing; be yourself so much

that all remaining is but wonder

thus service will just pour out of you …

as it is Spirit that will do the work

Be at peace; that’s the all of it; you’ll know

you’re there when all you feel is bliss”

 

“This bliss is fickle, visiting in but

 fleeting Holy moments,” I remind her

 

“Practice, practice, practice; the groove

grows deeper as it is worn by traffic

Focus on the feelings, the good feelings

and when you wander from … notice and come back

Change your feelings to steer your thoughts

yea, minimize your thoughts; make your motto:

 ‘I think not, therefore, I am”

 

“But do be honest with what you’re feeling

Denial is a different beast and will keep you down

Be not proud; own up; stand up; face up. Ask

‘What and who am I avoiding, denying?’ Go there …

and then let go and choose anew: a loving,

gentle feeling ─ until all that’s left is you,

Magnificent, loveable you”

 

This that she whispers is indeed what I do in

secret yearn for. Resistance has not served me

nor protest; perhaps surrender will

I would rather avoid the apparent work, but in

my heart I know the pain is born of this avoidance

 

I have wanted to get even before getting better

Wanted first to exact revenge, and

to tell you how it is so hard for me

Harder for me than it is for you

to lay out my case of grief and woe; or

to tell you how my problem is greater

than your solution naming faulty genes

developing in a toxic and schizophrenic womb

being born disturbed, raging and sobbing,

then lead and mercury poisoning, Lyme and

other tick borne infectious diseases, chronic

back pain, bipolar, post traumatic stress and

severe generalized anxiety disorder

abusive upbringing ─ as my excuses

but excuses are but temptation’s trap …

Yea what we dwell on we dwell in.

 

This is an old and heavy story

I would no longer own. I must be

shedding my excuses and hear out

this voice of conscience; shed

one lost or lessened defect at a time

as in companionship with like minds

bravely to the Hollowed go…

 

To be only ─ what is like love