Beside Myself

 

Beside Myself

By Teak Kilmer

 

During the day that I wrote this, I started a new and powerful nutritional supplement.  It caused me to detoxify, which is good, but I took too much too soon and went ballistic, which is not good.  The toxins, as they leave the body, brush by nerve endings causing distress.  Lots of them cause lots of distress and wild behaviors from severe agitation.  Drugs and withdrawing from drugs can have similar effects.  Also our bodies naturally cycle, sometimes they rest, sometimes, rebuild and sometimes cleanse (detoxify).  This, in part, accounts for the cycles we go through physically and emotionally. I went-off on my friend LouAnne over nothing; later in the day and immediately preceding this writing, my wife Jo Anne gave me a greatly needed and incredible Reiki treatment wherefrom this rhyming missive began to spring.  I spent the next 45 minutes suffering at the keyboard, knowing I had to get this out of me and onto paper.

  

 

I was just on the phone with LouAnne, my dear friend;

when sudden meanness … just … burst out of me.

 

Earlier I had ingested some new nutrients

to help with my many infectious diseases.

Sometimes when these supplements or drugs work, they kill the germs,

and the germ cell walls break and dump ‘rumptillions’ of poisons

and agitate a person beyond one’s ability to stay in control,

 especially one with life-long imbalanced brain chemistry.

Oh, man, will LouAnne understand?  And …

 

Geeeeeeze … I already have, they say, bipolar (manic depression), chronic fatigue, severe generalized anxiety disorder, fibromyalgia, clinical insomnia,

BPD, SAD, ADD, PTSD and La De friggen’ Da De

And, you see, today …

 

I have become the microorganisms that reside inside me … today.

They are out in droves, and I am in the throes of serious dismay. Lyme disease And also from that one stinking tick: ehrlichia … and babesia: these … they make me sick!

 

These guys, they hide ─ and seek my most valuable assets,

their intention to destroy ─ on brain cell, nerve cell

the bombshell doth befell.  Oh, Hell!

What fury they unleash I cannot tell, as thinking cells they bayonet

pell-mell through matter grey until what matters I cannot say

and probably anyway would now misspell.

 

But I do not take this lying down … well actually I do,

or did: being supine and prone, dabbled here and there

with groans in various baritones, was for months

all my enfeebled body would condone;

you see they even ate my funny bone.

 

But then came the day when vowed I these beasties to make pay and even slay and vowed I further to have the last, the final moan as I sought for these their Al Capone, their phenobarbitone, the ender of their pheromones ─ for these sins above I vowed they would atone.

 

Drugs by mouth, drugs by vein, drugs at night, drugs by day, supplements and diet change but to subvert, bedazzle and derange ─ the aforementioned causes of my pains ─ in my moods, in my brain, in my muscles, in my joints, in my vision … and viewpoints,

rashes, ravings, depression in flurries, panic attacks ─ in an awful hurry exacerbated squared by these aforementioned bugs, what thugs! …

 

Detoxing baths, herbs and oils, creams a-rubbed and raw foods diet, supplements and Probiotics ─ to counteract the antibiotics,

but de-ter-min-a-tion – though oft in altercation, with, well, too damned often, subjugation:  realization of my human station, capitulation to the cessation - of discipline … of saint hood.  But when I Am at my very best and I am winning in a round, throwing more punches, knocking them down; they die and bust into a million pieces, spill mycotoxins and curse my bones by telekinesis … they don’t want to die and so as they do, they miserableate and misconstrue, kick and bite and scratch and cheat … they’ll do anything to beat.  

 

There is so much of what they be

there is no evidence left of me.

 

Today … I am the beasts inside me, the dying,

poisonous beasts inside me – agitating, aggravating.

 

 

They are trying to make me quit the fight, grab for solace in a bite,

anything to relieve the pain, the horror, dismay and dizzying fright:

blindsided by urge to pick a fight, show my vicious manic might …

and an overwhelming ice cream sundae or pizza or wine appetite.

 

This day I am the beasts inside me, for I am indeed beside myself;

that is … I’m not myself today,

so since you’re here, forgive I pray and help me through this very miserable, awful day.