More jokes and stuff

 

More Jokes and Stuff

 

I was with my sister Elizabeth and my wife JoAnn at a cabin in Big Lake, MN.  I came back from an early morning canoe trip where I was snuggling up with to some loons, and I entered a cabin and JoAnn, and Elizabeth were both screaming.  I said, “what’s wrong?”  They said, “there’s a dead mouse in the dish water.” I replied, “I suppose you want me to rescue you from this mousewash?” 

 

Since there appears by a science and Zen that there is no time, I think someone should start a magazine called There is no Time magazine.

 

I like to call Deepak Chopra deeppockets shopper.  ─Spiritually, emotionally and lifestyle wise he is indeed a deeppockets shopper. ─ 

 

I was taking a class one day regarding mental health and on a break, I engaged the instructor in conservation and asked her what kinds of music she likes?  And she replied, “oh, country.”  So, I said, “oh which country?”  I was faced with a blank look and a long pause, and then she said, “oh, funny” she didn’t laugh but a lot of people since have. 

 

I was once part of a study at VA hospital in Minneapolis testing metabolic levels of amygdala. These tests were done in major cities all over the US.  Our group scored the lowest and I scored lowest in our group, indicating that I was not getting mental health support on my brain that I needed in order to be happy and functional.  I have had five different mental health diagnoses ─PTSD, Bi-Polar, ADHD, APD and General Anxiety Disorder which showed up on my medical genome along with addictive personality, both of which were screamingly high levels.  I have had a wild ride.

 

Whenever somebody gets a degree, they send them congraduations cards.

 

I offer a Marilyn Monroe quote because it fits the ride I’ve taken in this life: “Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius and it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring.”

 

Wherever you are be all there.

 

Just your presence is my present.

 

When I hug somebody, I say, it’s good to seize you.

 

I was emceeing a Christmas concert at my Church and three of my friends formed a trio for the night to sing.  One was 5’6” and rotund.  The other two were 6’7” and 6’6” and were svelte.  As they walked down the aisle I introduced as “two pine trees and a shrub.”

 

The following are sayings (aphorisms)

 

My response to Descartes is “I think not therefore I am”.

 

I’ve thought that maybe the universe is still expanding because the God’s not done with his first inhale. 

 

I was at Northwinds Lodge in northern Minnesota kayaking around the shore of this amazing wilderness lake known as Jasper.  I paused to watch the dragonflies and the biggest of them came right in front of my face hovered eyeball to eyeball within two feet of my face. I had a camera hanging around my neck.  And when I finally reached down to grasp the camera to take it’s picture it flew back toward the shore.  I stayed there and watched them and out came the dragonfly again same pose. I eventually reached slowly for the camera again and away it flew again.  This happened two more times.  The next thing I knew that dragonfly was directly behind my head within a foot.  I could distinctly hear its wings flapping in the wind.  I started to talk to it.  After a few moments it flew away again for good. I know we made a connection.  It was wonderful. 

 

I am old and sick and tired and now make up to don’t lists.

 

When George Bush was in office, I used to sign my e-mails, “if you see a Bush by the side of the road, burn it”. 

 

Have you ever considered what is the longest distance between two points? 

 

To receive well a gift is the greater of the two gifts.   Don’t deny others the joy of giving to you. 

 

My wife and I were in Holden Village in the Cascade Mountains and among this incredible beauty there were classes on Spiritualty.  One was how the universe creates by Brian Bansenauer.  He shared with us the following “if the universe had taken one tenth of one septillionth of a second longer, not even a single atom would have ever formed.”  He then said if it had taken one tenth of one septillionth of a second less long gravity would have pulled it all back and again the universe would not have become the universe.”  I responded, “Brian, do you realize how many times God had to do that to get it right?”  This story is one of the reasons I cannot deny the existence of a higher power. 

 

Another incredible nature experience was when I was in Big Lake camping out with my brother Marty, we were canoeing to our favorite perfectly formed bench in the rocks to sit and sun and swim when we saw birds flying around at a great height.  I picked up the binoculars and could see that turkey vultures and ravens were playing tag with each other. I was stunned.  I gave the binoculars to my brother to look, and he saw the same as I did.  We canoed over to directly under them as possible to try and take a picture with my zoom lens.  But as soon as got beneath them, they flew over the island and stayed there while we waited.  Then one raven flew out and apparently could see that we were still there and flew back in again.  About ten minutes later, this repeated itself three to four times.  I had my brother drop me off at an overhang hoping this raven sentry would not see me, he did.  After two more attempts I signaled for my brother to come and pick me up. We went back to our bench and out flew the raven and went back in an flew back out with the entire two flocks which proceeded to continue their flightful game. It’s still the most amazing thing I have ever seen in nature.

 

The following are slightly off colored humor.     

 

An avalanche is a mountain getting it rocks off. 

 

What do you call an old man’s organism?  Viagra falls.

 

My reference to a lap dance is rubbing Peter to pay Paula. 

 

My reference to erectile dysfunction is penile dementia.  (I didn’t even know penile was a word when I made up this joke).    

 

We know sex isn’t really dirty, after all God started the universe with a big bang. 

 

I sometimes refer to rubbers as dick’s spirting hoods.