Burning

 

BURNING

By Teak Kilmer

 

The evening Jo Anne and I first attended a NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) meeting, I borrowed from the lending library “Touched with Fire” by Kay Redfield Jamison. I had at that time a deep and abiding depression. That same night I began this tale of those famous poets and writers, artists and others. I wondered if I should be reading about depression, as doing so may worsen it, but I also was mesmerized by the stories of these famous poets and writers, artists and others and began to find myself compelled to read on and even to write in the margins ─ lightly, of course, and in pencil (so I could erase the evidence!).

 

 I was at that time diagnosed with major depression and was envious that I was not diagnosed as Bipolar, since a definite majority of mood disorder creative types are Bipolar, as Jamison was demonstrating. It turns out I had been misdiagnosed. You know the bit: eight years and 3-5 doctors to get the correct diagnosis.

 

Humbly, I attempt, in the voice of bipolar writers …

 

We write and you marvel at our insight
But you, not we, are the livers of life
 
You ride the docile donkey
We the wild horse
 
You breed with wives
We plunder whores and flirts
 
You raise the children
We father but avoid them
 
You manage; we despair
You produce; we observe
 
You are satisfied; we are burning …
To arrive at peace
 
Our acute awareness entertains us all
And you marvel at our gifts
 
Yet this acuteness is not often virtue
But a terror, not chosen, not escapable
 
That brings but momentary bliss
As by peace we are fondled
 
But never embraced